I apologize. It’s been so long since Part 1, that most of you have probably just been weeping in anticipation. No, none of you read Part 1? You just accidentally clicked this link as you were scrolling through your twitter feed? Well, go read Part 1. You can read it here. Or even here. Or don’t. See if I care.
The reason for the delay is that I could delay, since, as you are probably aware, nothing was happening. So I took my sweet time, assuming that there would be no end to the lockout, except possibly as a result of Bettman’s untimely death at the hands of an angry Vancouveran mob. But apparently, I was wrong. Doesn’t happen often, so soak it in.
Today, I will tackle the reason why I wouldn’t trade the whole damn Sabres team for any of the teams in the Central Division, which as its name describes, contains teams from North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota (East Dakota), Iowa and Nebraska. Wait, those states don’t have teams? Minnesota does but they’re in the Northwest division? I’ll let it slide since the NHL was founded before the West was annexed. (#TrueNHLFacts)
The reason for the delay is that I could delay, since, as you are probably aware, nothing was happening. So I took my sweet time, assuming that there would be no end to the lockout, except possibly as a result of Bettman’s untimely death at the hands of an angry Vancouveran mob. But apparently, I was wrong. Doesn’t happen often, so soak it in.
Today, I will tackle the reason why I wouldn’t trade the whole damn Sabres team for any of the teams in the Central Division, which as its name describes, contains teams from North Dakota, South Dakota, Minnesota (East Dakota), Iowa and Nebraska. Wait, those states don’t have teams? Minnesota does but they’re in the Northwest division? I’ll let it slide since the NHL was founded before the West was annexed. (#TrueNHLFacts)
Patrick Kane is Classy...
Let’s start with:
Chicago Blackhawks: Good old Chi-town is home of my “team away from my team” if you will, so I will start with some positives. Jonathan Toews is awesome both at hockey and life, if you want me to delve further than this, I don’t know, post a comment or something, but does anyone NOT like Toews? Also, Patrick Sharp is a beautiful man. Offensively, Keith and Seabrook are a really entertaining defensive pair. Now, onto why I wouldn’t trade for this damn team. For one, if you’re talking Buffalo tools, Patrick Kane is a bigger douche than Patrick Kaleta and seems to be regressing talent wise, since he prefers to wear beer goggles at all times, even during games, so that, “I can tell which chicks are ugly even when I’m trashed.” (#RealKaneQuotes) Further, the goaltending situation is just as questionable as ever and after abysmal playoff performances from even the most awesome and beautiful players, I think I’ll leave the Blackhawks right where they are.
Chicago Blackhawks: Good old Chi-town is home of my “team away from my team” if you will, so I will start with some positives. Jonathan Toews is awesome both at hockey and life, if you want me to delve further than this, I don’t know, post a comment or something, but does anyone NOT like Toews? Also, Patrick Sharp is a beautiful man. Offensively, Keith and Seabrook are a really entertaining defensive pair. Now, onto why I wouldn’t trade for this damn team. For one, if you’re talking Buffalo tools, Patrick Kane is a bigger douche than Patrick Kaleta and seems to be regressing talent wise, since he prefers to wear beer goggles at all times, even during games, so that, “I can tell which chicks are ugly even when I’m trashed.” (#RealKaneQuotes) Further, the goaltending situation is just as questionable as ever and after abysmal playoff performances from even the most awesome and beautiful players, I think I’ll leave the Blackhawks right where they are.
Remember this? Yeah, neither does Derek Dorsett.
Columbus Blue Jackets: It’s Columbus…
Detroit Red Wings: Guys, Nicklas Lidstrom is gone. He’s done with hockey. I don’t know whether to be sad, because he really was a bit of an artist out there, or thrilled that maybe Red Wings fans will shut up for 5 minutes. But who am I kidding, they’ll just go on and on about all of their other geriatric talent or their up-and-comers, since they CAN’T brag about picking up Suter in the offseason—because they didn’t. (Suckers.) However, while Detroit has a pretty good record for developing talent, many of the Sabres young ‘uns have more NHL experience and more skills than similar guys in the Wings’ system. If they’re counting on Brendan Smith to show up and fill the Lidstrom hole, they won’t be disappointed by his talent, but by his temper and immaturity (last I saw him with the Badgers anyway.) And I’ll take the elder Miller brother any day. Well, today at least.
Detroit Red Wings: Guys, Nicklas Lidstrom is gone. He’s done with hockey. I don’t know whether to be sad, because he really was a bit of an artist out there, or thrilled that maybe Red Wings fans will shut up for 5 minutes. But who am I kidding, they’ll just go on and on about all of their other geriatric talent or their up-and-comers, since they CAN’T brag about picking up Suter in the offseason—because they didn’t. (Suckers.) However, while Detroit has a pretty good record for developing talent, many of the Sabres young ‘uns have more NHL experience and more skills than similar guys in the Wings’ system. If they’re counting on Brendan Smith to show up and fill the Lidstrom hole, they won’t be disappointed by his talent, but by his temper and immaturity (last I saw him with the Badgers anyway.) And I’ll take the elder Miller brother any day. Well, today at least.
 Goose loved Ryan Miller. Nashville Predators: Sad honk. Sorry, Goose, I will not be trading for your new damn team either. Losing Suter was a big blow. Sure Pekka Rinne’s 43 wins last season were OK, and Shea Weber is outrageously good at defense, but their offense, while being more consistent than ours, doesn’t boast much in the way of big names. Erat’s team-high 58 points leaves something to be desired, and how many of those relied on one of Suter’s 39 assists? I just don’t see Ryan Ellis or Roman Josi stepping up that much. I do see Tyler Myers stepping up. Please, God, let Tyler Myers step up. |  No Goose! No! That's your new goalie! |
The background fan's face says it all.
(Photo by Chris Lee/St. Louis Today)
(Photo by Chris Lee/St. Louis Today)
St. Louis Blues: While the goaltending tandem of Brian Elliot and Jaroslav Halak may sound appealing, one must note that being swept by an eight seed in the playoffs, without a single overtime or even a one-goal game is a smidge embarrassing. And here, where it counts, the goaltending was not sound, neither was the defense…or the offense. Ouch. This team, which had limited offensive capability to begin with—even Oshie and Backes didn’t reach the 55 point mark—struggled exponentially more in the playoffs. “At least they made the playoffs,” you say? Screw you.
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